Steven Wright is an American stand up-upwards comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and deadening, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, non sequiturs, anti-sense of humor, and ane-liners with contrived situations. He was ranked as the twenty-third greatest comedian by Comedy Primal in a listing of the 100 greatest stand up-up comics.

https://www.youtube.com/lookout man?v=Z9ciHpT4WuM


Here is a curt selection (only 107!) of the all-time Steven Wright quotes. Enjoy!

  1. Steven Wright Quotes7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  2. A articulate conscience is ordinarily the sign of a bad memory.
  3. A conclusion is the place where you lot got tired of thinking.
  4. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel and then good.
  5. A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were y'all going and so fast?" I said, "See this matter my pes is on? It'due south chosen an accelerator. When you push downwardly on information technology, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this matter? This steers it."
  6. A friend of mine once sent me a post carte du jour with a flick of the entire planet Earth taken from infinite. On the back information technology said, "Wish you lot were here."
  7. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'k afraid of widths.
  8. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  9. Ambition is a poor excuse for non having enough sense to be lazy.
  10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  11. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
  12. Modify is inevitable….except from vending machines.
  13. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
  14. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal want.
  15. Doing a picayune piece of work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the just one who knew. People come over and I'one thousand gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it…it feels existent."
  16. Drugs may atomic number 82 to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic road.
  17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  18. Everyone has a photographic retentiveness. Some just don't accept film.
  19. Experience is something you lot don't get until just after you lot need it.
  20. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  21. Half the people you know are below average.
  22. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  23. How do you tell when y'all're out of invisible ink?
  24. I most had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before nosotros met.
  25. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got at that place.
  1. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
  2. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to information technology.
  3. I tin can call up the beginning time I had to go to slumber. Mom said, "Steven, time to get to slumber." I said, "Just I don't know how." She said, "It'southward real like shooting fish in a barrel. Just go downwardly to the stop of tired and hang a left." And then I went downward to the stop of tired, and but out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told yous to go to sleep."
  4. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I fabricated your horn louder.
  5. I eat swiss cheese from the within out.
  6. I had amnesia once or twice.
  7. I hate it when my pes falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be upwards all nighttime.
  8. I take an answering machine in my motorcar. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a bulletin and I'll telephone call when I'1000 out."
  9. I intend to alive forever – then far, so expert.
  10. I love to get shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Accept you got anything I'd similar?" And then they inquire me what size I demand, and I say, "Extra medium."
  11. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
  12. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't take that much fourth dimension.
  13. I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
  14. I saw a small canteen of cologne and asked if information technology was for sale. She said, "It'south gratis with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
  15. I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
  16. I took a course in speed waiting. At present I can wait an hour in but ten minutes.
  17. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  18. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. Y'all couldn't park anywhere well-nigh the place.
  19. I was going seventy miles an hr and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officeholder, but I wasn't going to be out that long…"
  20. I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Allow me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of low-cal, and y'all turn on the headlights, does annihilation happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
  21. I was lamentable because I had no shoes, until I met a human being who had no anxiety. Then I said, "Got whatsoever shoes you're not using?"
  22. I was trying to daydream, just my heed kept wandering.
  23. I went down the street to the 24-60 minutes grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Aye, merely not in a row."
  24. I went into this bar and sat downward next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you take two unlike colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, simply to me they're the same considering I become past thickness."
  25. I went to a vii-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5'southward. The clerk said, "ten-four."
  1. I went to a fancy french restaurant chosen "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
  2. I went to a general store. They wouldn't permit me buy anything specifically.
  3. I went to a eating place that serves "breakfast at any time". And so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  4. I went to the banking company and asked to borrow a cup of coin. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
  5. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a firm. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
  6. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and artillery from the statues that are in all the other museums.
  7. I woke up 1 forenoon, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
  8. I worked in a health nutrient store one time. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
  9. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I recall I might have written that."
  10. I'd impale for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  11. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
  12. If Barbie is so popular, why practice you accept to buy her friends?
  13. If everything seems to exist going well, you lot have obviously disregarded something.
  14. If you tin can moving ridge a fan, and you can moving ridge a club, can you moving ridge a fan club?
  15. If you lot must cull between two evils, pick the one y'all've never tried earlier.
  16. If you think nobody cares about you, endeavour missing a couple of payments.
  17. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you employ a silencer?
  18. If y'all write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think yous're Shakespeare?
  19. If you're not part of the solution, you're office of the precipitate.
  20. In my house on the ceilings I accept paintings of the rooms higher up…and then I never have to go upstairs.
  21. In schoolhouse, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every criminal offense ends with a judgement.
  22. It's a minor world, just I wouldn't desire to have to paint information technology.
  23. Join the Army, come across interesting people, kill them.
  24. Many people quit looking for work when they notice a job.
  1. Monday is an awful style to spend 1/7th of your life.
  2. My socks DO match. I go by thickness.
  3. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
  4. OK, so what'southward the speed of nighttime?
  5. On the other manus, you have dissimilar fingers.
  6. One night I walked dwelling house very late and fell asleep in somebody'due south satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on Boob tube'southward all over the world.
  7. One fourth dimension a cop pulled me over for running a finish sign. He said, "Didn't y'all see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, simply I don't believe everything I read."
  8. Program to exist spontaneous tomorrow.
  9. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
  10. Smoking cures weight issues…eventually.
  11. Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the dorsum it said, "Wish you were here."
  12. Sponges grow in the sea. That simply kills me. I wonder how much deeper the sea would be if that didn't happen.
  13. Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.
  14. The early bird gets the worm, merely the second mouse gets the cheese.
  15. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the breadstuff.
  16. The approximate asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor, who in their right heed would park in the passing lane?"
  17. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  18. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  19. The sooner you autumn behind, the more fourth dimension you lot'll take to catch up.
  20. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is enquiry.
  21. Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"… They said, "Uh… I don't call back and then…he'south simply ii months sometime." I said, "I'll wait."
  22. What a nice night for an evening.
  23. What happens if you lot go scared half to decease twice?
  24. What's another discussion for Thesaurus?
  25. When everything is coming your mode, y'all're in the wrong lane.
  1. When I become real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, so sit down in my car and count how many people enquire me if I'm leaving.
  2. When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do y'all demand?"
  3. When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A picayune old lady had to help me across the street.
  4. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  5. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my difficult deejay?
  6. Why exercise psychics take to inquire yous for your name?
  7. Y'all can't have everything. Where would you put it?
  8. I'k a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, just merely way off to the side.
  9. I have a new dog. It's a paranoid retriever. He brings everything back because he's non sure what I throw at him.

Relevant links

  • Steven Wright official website
  • 120 Inspirational Quotes Virtually Laughter
  • 120 Inspiring Three Give-and-take Quotes
  • 120 2 Word Quotes: Merely Awesome, Perfectly Fabulous!
  • Laughing Exercise: If You Love To Express joy You'Ll Love This How To Guide!

Which of the following Steven Wright quotes did you like the near? Join the conversation by leaving a annotate below!